Sunday, October 5, 2008

Star Cover

This cover of the most recent Star tabloid made me sad on a number of levels. I saw it in the grocery store and laughed instantly. Then felt all grey and cloudy inside.


My close analysis:
  • If they are bugging Suri's dolls to find out what secrets she tells them, I don't want to live here anymore.
  • Who counted the dolls? What intern was charged with such a menial task? What disgruntled nanny tossed off such a statistic to her Star contact? You know they turned in some made up shit, because nobody has exactly 200 of anything.
  • I like how "nannies and maids" aren't people. At least not enough, as apparently she spent those days "alone."
  • "Lindsey Relapse: Cocaine and Cutting!" has an over-excited exclamation mark at the end. Like they are happy about it. You are showing your hand, Star editors. It's kind of gross seeing the predatory instinct so pronounced.
  • "Where's Daddy" paired with that picture makes it seem like Brad Pitt is not only a deserter for leaving his rich, nanny-assisted wife with their children, but also possibly a crazy person who may hack them to pieces a la The Shining

My final analysis? The cover story titles for the Star are not about celebrities at all. Really, they are the editor-in-chief's cry for help. Candace Trunzo is the one with the "Lonely Life"

My supporting data? A taste of past cover story titles:

"You're So Pathetic"

"I'm Scared"

"Nicole in Tears"

"Tiresome..."

and finally

"Insane"

Poor, sad Candace. Get help dear.

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