Dudes get their own "Cosmo style" list of crap you have to do to be a person

Tom Chiarella has written quite an interesting article on manhood for Esquire that I am totally reprinting here with my hysterical nerdy notes:

A man carries cash. A man looks out for those around him -- woman, friend, stranger. A man can cook eggs. A man can always find something good to watch on television. A man makes things -- a rock wall, a table, the tuition money. Or he rebuilds -- engines, watches, fortunes. He passes along expertise, one man to the next. Know-how survives him. A man fantasizes that kung fu lives deep inside him somewhere. A man is good at his job. Not his work, not his avocation, not his hobby. Not his career. His job. It doesn't matter what his job is, because if a man doesn't like his job, he gets a new one.

The thing about this list, first of all, is I think I'm 3/4 of a man already. And I really, really believe that kung fu lives deep inside me. Years of Xena and Buffy have prepared me. I will rise to the occasion when necessary.

#1. The Communication Style of Man

A man can speak to dogs.

A man listens, and that's how he argues. He crafts opinions. He can pound the table, take the floor. It's not that he must. It's that he can.

A man can look you up and down and figure some things out. Before you say a word, he makes you. From your suitcase, from your watch, from your posture. A man infers.

This is where Chiarello kind of loses me, because traditionally women are trained (via magazines, advice, television) to infer, to read between the lines. To not take things at face value. Are men trained in this as well? I can't really see it. Most guy magazines are about "getting chicks in the sack" and using whatever tricks you have in your arsenal. So is this about what every man would like to be or what real men (whatever that means) are like in the real world? Ponder that!

#2. Man's Ability to Handle Mistakes

A man owns up. That's why Mark McGwire is not a man. A man grasps his mistakes. He lays claim to who he is, and what he was, whether he likes them or not.

I personally would not antagonize Mark McGwire. He's like a giant muscle man with roid rage. Props to Chiarello for taking his life in his own hands, like a man. A suicidal man.

Some mistakes, though, he lets pass if no one notices. Like dropping the steak in the dirt.

A man can tell you he was wrong. That he did wrong. That he planned to. He can tell you when he is lost. He can apologize, even if sometimes it's just to put an end to the bickering.

#3. Man's Basic Instincts

A man does not wither at the thought of dancing. But it is generally to be avoided.

Style -- a man has that. No matter how eccentric that style is, it is uncontrived. It's a set of rules.

Can something be both "uncontrived" and "a set of rules"?

A man loves the human body, the revelation of nakedness. He loves the sight of the pale bosom, the physics of the human skeleton, the alternating current of the flesh. He is thrilled by the wrist and the sight of a bare shoulder. He likes the crease of a bent knee.

Apparently a man is always straight. Go figure.

Maybe he never has, and maybe he never will, but a man figures he can knock someone, somewhere, on his bottom.

Note that he refrained from using "ass" and went for the cutesy "bottom."

A man doesn't point out that he did the dishes.

A man knows how to ridicule.

A man gets the door. Without thinking.

He stops traffic when he must.

A man knows how to lose an afternoon. Playing Grand Theft Auto, driving aimlessly, shooting pool.

He knows how to lose a month, also.

If you replace "playing GTA" with "watching HGTV," "driving aimlessly" with "wandering around a book store" and "shooting pool" with "playing video poker" then I am totally a man.

A man welcomes the coming of age. It frees him. It allows him to assume the upper hand and teaches him when to step aside.

Well yeah! Of course men should welcome the coming of age! It's not like you lose your value in society or become associated with the words "crone" "hag" or at best "cougar."

He understands the basic mechanics of the planet. Or he can close one eye, look up at the sun, and tell you what time of day it is. Or where north is. He can tell you where you might find something to eat or where the fish run. He understands electricity or the internal-combustion engine, the mechanics of flight or how to figure a pitcher's ERA.

I'll maybe give you the "figure a pitcher's ERA" but all the other ones I call bullshit on. 9 times out of 10 you're going to get an answer if you ask someone those questions, but those answers are going to be straight-up lies!

A man does not know everything. He doesn't try. He likes what other men know.

A man knows his tools and how to use them -- just the ones he needs. Knows which saw is for what, how to find the stud, when to use galvanized nails.

A miter saw, incidentally, is the kind that sits on a table, has a circular blade, and is used for cutting at precise angles. Very satisfying saw.

A miter saw is one of my dream purchases. Sigh. So satisfying!

#4. The Paradox of Man

He does not rely on rationalizations or explanations. He doesn't winnow, winnow, winnow until truths can be humbly categorized, or intellectualized, until behavior can be written off with an explanation. He doesn't see himself lost in some great maw of humanity, some grand sweep. That's the liberal thread; it's why men won't line up as liberals.

Oh my god, I think men may have invented this, so whatever.

A man resists formulations, questions belief, embraces ambiguity without making a fetish out of it. A man revisits his beliefs. Continually. That's why men won't forever line up with conservatives, either.

#5. Man the Island

A man is comfortable being alone. Loves being alone, actually. He sleeps.

Or he stands watch. He interrupts trouble. This is the state policeman. This is the poet. Men, both of them.

Just blech. That's all I have for this one.

A man loves driving alone most of all.

Driving alone is something everyone should do. For long stretches. It's meditation in a fast-paced world. Seriously. Drive alone without the radio or music and just relax. Or think. Work out your stuff.

A man watches. Sometimes he goes and sits at an auction knowing he won't spend a dime, witnessing the temptation and the maneuvering of others. Sometimes he stands on the street corner watching stuff. This is not about quietude so much as collection. It is not about meditation so much as considering. A man refracts his vision and gains acuity. This serves him in every way. No one taught him this -- to be quiet, to cipher, to watch. In this way, in these moments, the man is like a zoo animal: both captive and free. You cannot take your eyes off a man when he is like that. You shouldn't. Who knows what he is thinking, who he is, or what he will do next.

I have always hated zoos. What does that say about my feelings towards men, Mr. Chiarella?