Things Your Office Cleaning Crew Never Tells You

When I was a pre-teen, my mom embarked on a business venture with her sister cleaning offices. My grandmother had cleaned hotel rooms, and they knew they could make a tidy sum cleaning after people, but they didn't want to clean homes. So they decided to focus on offices entirely. Offices in industrial parks, nail salons, auto parts stores, wherever people worked and needed cleaning, they did the job. The business was successful for years, and my mom can credit a mild case of carpal tunnel to wringing towels. My brother often helped out, and I worked too a few times. Now that I'm back in an office full time, I have been thinking about the people who see the place when I'm not there. I remember my reactions and the reactions of fellow cleaning folk.


Here are things your office cleaning crew never tells you:


1) Critical Eyes
Your cleaning crew judges you for how disgusting you are. It's true. And people in offices are disgusting. They don't know these people who come to clean late at night, so they feel no shame.

2) Why Are You Here?
They definitely hate when you are there after hours, i.e. when they are coming in to clean. This means now they have to judge you silently and come together later to compare notes. Not cool. Go home so they can make the appropriate face when they see your dirty coffee mug.

3) Dirty Mugs Are A Plague
On the subject of that mug, it's just gross. I remember seeing a lot of dirty coffee mugs. Just clean your mug before you go home! Or dump it if it is forever stained brown from 8 years of coffee. It's also really grody when you leave that just-rinsed not soap-and-hot-water cleaned cup around, like it's waiting for someone else to take care of it. Just thinking of those mugs makes me want to go wash all my mugs right now in 100 degree water.

4) If your desk is a mess of papers and junk, it won't get cleaned.
Seriously, don't be surprised that you have a layer of dust all over everything, because if it looks like a storm of crap on your desk, nobody will clean it for fear of getting blamed when something inevitably gets lost. These are usually the people that complain that the cleaning crew never really cleans anything. They aren't secretaries. They aren't going to understand how to pile your handwritten notes or be able to remove everything and place it back exactly. Invest in some organizing trays or suffer dustbunnies!

5) This is another reason to not leave money or valuables out.
I am not saying cleaning crew will steal your stuff, that's not really likely. What will happen, however, is your coworker will steal your stuff. Why? They have the perfect scapegoat in the faceless people who clean offices. All of whom are viewed as easily replaceable.  So if you don't want to seal the fate of some innocent person, don't be lazy and put your stuff away.

6) Post-it Notes are Evil and Should Be Banned
Now, I don't believe in this one as an office employee, but if you clean offices, one thing you learn is that post-it notes, especially the small ones, suck! On the floor they get stuck and don't come up with broom or vacuum. People toss them into their trash bins, which means they stick in the bin and have to be pulled out by hand (gross), or they stick to the liner. Liners can sometimes be reused, especially if all that's in the trash is paper. You can save on buying liners (most cleaning services provide their own supplies) if you conserve. But if you empty out the bin and there's a ton of stickies, you can't fool people into believing they are getting a fresh liner every day. So you have to account for the damn things. My memory of this annoyance is so clear that to this day I fold every Post-it before it goes in the trash.

7) You are allowed to clean your own disgusting phone handset, mouse, and keyboard. These are the most icky things that people in offices deal with every day. And because you can't just have a tub of bleach wipes handy, the cleaning crew has to wipe up your 8 layer cake of foundation, and your grubby greasy finger prints. I know they are hired to clean up, but we're talking CSI levels of evidence, here. 


8) Paper clips on the floor can destroy a vacuum, and most cleaning services have to buy industrial vacuums. They tend to be on the expensive side. What kind of confetti parade of paper clips is going on in these offices? Are they free or something? Because they get thrown everywhere like nothing.


9) Bathrooms in offices are horrifying part 1. Just let it be known that two things need to happen on the daily. You need to wipe the seat if you piss on it. That seems like a 21st century given, but I guess not. And it goes for guys as well as ladies who "hover" and have some splash back as a result.  Also, you need to deal with the mess you make if you go #2. There are usually cleaning supplies in a bathroom. Check it out folks.

10) Bathrooms in offices are horrifying part 2. Oh, forgot, 3 things need to happen. Ladies, wrap up those discarded tampons and pads in tons of toilet paper. You know who cares about the environment less than you? The person who has to fish your bloody tampon from the bottom of the trash can because you just tossed it there without there even being a liner there. Are you some kind of animal? Is this something people don't know? Wrap that shit up. Triple wrap it if your office is cheap like mine and has see-through toilet paper. Your art-school friend who makes paintings out of menstrual blood is not cleaning up after you at work, ok.


That's all for today. 2 posts!