If you're a recovering alcoholic, this probably won't be a funny post. If you think drinking is immoral or unladylike, well, we probably aren't compatible. But to all my fellow drinkers, this one's for you.
I didn't drink in high school. I didn't drink my first year of college. I didn't even get drunk on my 21st birthday. These are crazy things about me you probably never knew. My mom and aunt wanted to take me to Vegas on my 21st birthday and I declined, saying that I didn't drink or gamble, so what would be the point. How things change, right? Part of my disinterest in drinking is the stupid jock culture around being drunk that permeated the mid to late 90s (my high school/early college time). I also had a straight edge circle of friends, including my boyfriend at the time.
Straight edge, back in the mid 90s, was not a Christian thing. It was a hardcore punk thing associated with not "tuning out" the world but instead getting angry about it and taking notice of the awful stuff that was happening. Straight edge saved a lot of people's lives, I imagine. It also eventually developed its own jock culture, ironically. But I wasn't a straight edge gal, I was more of a riot grrrl; nonetheless my crowd was not so into drinking or drugs.
After I broke up with straight edge boyfriend, I expanded my notion of drinking alcohol. As an incredibly shy person, I found that I was a bit more social when I had a cocktail. I figured out that it wasn't always about being drunk, and that small versions of escape and sociability were not signals of dropping off the planet but rather letting off some steam and not being so uptight. If you don't know me personally, I can be kind of uptight. Like always!
All of this background is to explain that I never went through the freshman insanity that a lot of college kids do. I did drink in my 20s, though, and I've since always enjoyed bars and bar culture. I've made lifelong friends in bars, and found myself much more comfortable in my own skin in the relaxed, social environment that makes up a great bar.
Now, let's be real. I have been drunk. I have started an evening out with the express goal of being drunk. I'm a human being, and sometimes I do want to tune out instead of dealing with shit. It happens. But being truly drunk is never really "fun," because--especially if you are in your 20s--you really don't stop at tipsy or a little drunk, but venture on over to sick and dehydrated. And this is where the generational difference really shows up.
In your 20s, a hangover is this quaint little thing you get after a night of boozing. You have a headache, you have to puke, you need to eat something fatty and greasy, like a donut or a burger, but you can generally go to work the next day with sunglasses and be fine by lunch time. In your 30s, however, you are DESTROYED the next day. And even if you've built up a tolerance and can have several cocktails before entering the "uh-oh" stage, you cannot fight the hangover demon. It is relentless. Not only do you have the headache and dehydration, but you have it until at least 6pm the next day. A day during which you cannot leave your apartment. A day during which you look so haggard and green that you swear off ever having another cocktail as long as you live. A day when you curse the bartender that "likes" you so much he pours you a stiff drink every time (I love you bartenders, don't leave me!). There is a small hint of cuteness in a young persons hangover, but a 32 year-old's hangover is not cute. So you gotta play it smart and learn some stuff so you don't get to that place. If I could go back in time and teach myself and my compatriots these things, well...I'd probably not have a lot of fun stories, but I would have puked less, which in and of itself is worthwhile.
Professonal Rules for Amateur Drinkers
1. If you like doing shots, you should do them first. Not after the third cocktail, when anything seems like an "awesome" idea. Do not drink shots after the third cocktail unless there is a meal involved in your drinking experience. A real one, not salad or chips and salsa. And here's something that everyone should know: you only need one shot. Seriously. Those movies where people get drunk and have 3, 4, 5 shots? Those people are always shown slurring happily and passing out, but never dry heaving and trembling at 4am. It's not sexy people. One shot rule. Learn it.
2. Stay away from the bar on the following nights: Cinco de Mayo, St. Patrick's Day, New Year's Eve. These are possibly great nights for drinking at home or at parties, but if you go to a bar, it will be filled with people who only let their hair down or "go big" on these special occasions. They will make it so you can't find a seat all night, they will spill a drink on your sexy shoes that you only wear out when you want to look hot, and they will make the bathroom smell like a vomitorium. They have already likely made it so you have to pay just to get in and buy liquor. That's unforgivable. Everyone knows that d-bags go out on these nights, so you can't have bitchface on about anything because, well, honestly you should know better. Stay home. There's like 361 other days of the year that are really fun for no good reason.
3. When you start to feel like you need water, it's too late! Prevent this disaster by ordering water with your third cocktail. Even if you don't drink it for an hour, it is there, waiting for you. I'm telling you, once you hit 30 you are not drinking all night. You are having 3, maybe four cocktails and getting home at 11:45 pm and sleeping in your jeans and a bra. A glass of water is the difference between you being A) fun and flirty or B) Stumbling to the bathroom with that crease in your forehead between your eyebrows. That wrinkle is the "I'm disappointed in you" wrinkle. It's a mom wrinkle. It shouldn't be at the bar. Prevent this by ordering a water. If you feel embarrassed, say its for your drunk slutty friend. Now you get to be a hero and you can stay up past midnight. Win-win.
4. Fruity drinks like mai tais and midori sours are for early evening and should be had in increments no larger than 2. If you are planning on having more than two drinks, you cannot have a sugary fruity drink. If your drink tastes like punch, say goodbye to tomorrow. You're spending it in bed with a headache of biblical proportions. Also, that high calorie food you ate at 1:30am to stave off the hangover has actually added to the sugars your body now has to break down. Seriously, they taste so good you'll drink them faster and have more of them than anyone needs. Stick to drinks that are 2-3 ingredients, none of them being orange juice, pineapple juice, or Malibu rum. Everything that goes with Malibu rum fits the description of 24 hour hangover. Also, after 22, there is no reason for a midori sour. Google something more interesting and you'll have the respect of the bartender.
5. Respect the bartenders. If you can't afford to tip, you don't get to drink. A tip is at least $1 per drink. Yes, even beer. I know, you don't make a lot of money. Guess what, you can buy alcohol and drink at home for cheaper. Tips are how bartenders make a living. If you want good service, be a good damn person. Please, thank you, waiting your turn. These are things you do not leave at the door. I have seen people snap their fingers to get a bartenders attention. I've seen people wait 10 minutes to get a bartender to talk to them only to be like, "I'm not sure what I want. What do you recommend?" I have seen people slam their hands on the bar and make loud demands. Not only will you get an awful, watered down drink that way, you might be casually ignored for the rest of your night. Eye contact is key for getting a bartender's attention. They know how to avoid eye contact. It's like day one of how to be a bartender - avoiding eye contact with patrons who are assholes.
6. Make bathroom breaks a priority. I don't know if you know this, but "breaking the seal" means peeing. Peeing for the first time after having cocktails. You see, drinking, it makes you have to go. But as soon as you do go that first time, you will find yourself going in quicker intervals. Alcohol inhibits the production of anti-diuretic hormone, which usually stabilizes your need to pee. Also, you're drinking a bunch of liquid, which makes you have to go. If you make good cocktail choices, you shouldn't be having gallons of liquid (those sugary things always com in large glasses!). You should hold out, because you will be thinking about going and strategizing your bathroom trips for the rest of the evening. Boys can go in and pee rather quickly, because of the frightening public nature of male urination. Us ladies have to wait for a stall. That means a line, which means planning. You have to know when you're going to need the bathroom before you need the bathroom. We're like, miraculous creatures for being able to do this while heavily intoxicated. And those of us who don't, well, peeing your pants is kind of unforgivable in a bar situation. Immediately spill your drink in your lap and decide to go home to change or die quickly in order to validate the urine. Those, I'm afraid, are your choices.
7. Weeknights are better nights than weekends. In your 30s, you pretty much want to hang out in a bar because you already came with friends. If not, you are interested in finding friends. This happens while talking. Yeah, old people hate loudness and crowds. It's a broad stereotype, but it's one I'm not even ashamed of! If you want to enjoy bar life, don't be squished between sweaty guys with pointy hair and button up shirts with screen printed dragons! Read "Texts from Last Night." Those people are at the bar on the weekends. I'm serious. Go on a Tuesday night. Enjoy some reparte with a nice bartender and good conversations with friends. You're a true professional if you avoid Saturday night or you get there before 10pm. Not only do you get a seat at the bar, but you leave before people start messing up the bathroom and stepping on your freshly painted toenails. P.S. you don't have to stay until 1am to have a good time. Words of wisdom, folks!
8. There is no need to pay to get into a bar. You pay to get into a club. You pay to see a comedy show. You pay to see a band play. You do not pay just to go in and pay again for drinks. It's a bad sign when they want money just for getting in the door or they have "bottle service." These are places you do not want to be. Places where sitting at a booth costs like $500. I'm sorry to be crude, but fuck that. Give me a good old dark dive, a place with regulars. Where you can get to know the bartenders and meet strangers. Where the jukebox represents the taste of the clientele and owners, not just a giant mp3 player that represents everyone and thus no one. Someplace with character. Find your place, enjoy that not everyone goes there. Don't tell everyone about it. Keep it local, support your community well. And always, always, tip generously in gratitude.
9. Oh yeah, never play "Free Bird" in the jukebox at the bar. Not cool.
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