Monday, June 8, 2009

Stevie's Top 10


My cat Stevie's top 10 "F-YOU" moments:

#10 On his way home from the pet store, he peed in the cardboard kitty carrier. Where was it? Oh, in my lap. I had to throw those jeans away. But considering it was 1999, they were probably no big loss. I was pretty poor back then, though, so it was a probably a big deal.

#9 One day I had to take him to the vet and he led me on a mega chase around my house, finally escaping into a spot so small and so hidden that I had to cancel the appointment, to my great embarrassment.

#8 When we moved in to our current place, I was excited that the master bedroom window sill was flush with the headboard. That was, until Stevie decided to do his late night circling. He would walk along our nightstands, on the window sill which at the time had venetian blinds that went "clack clack" as he went by, and across our ankles. For hours! I had to change the position of the bed until one day I got curtains and virtually emptied the tops of the nightstands. That's how we live now.

#7 Do you ever feel like your cat's servant? It's never more pronounced than when you are about to fall asleep and he jumps on your chest and butts his head into your chin or your hand, demanding rubs and attention. And if you stop, be prepared for a tackle of sorts. If you don't let him do his little "happy feet" thing on your belly, you are in for it. You have to suffer those little claw pin pricks until he decides that he's satisfied. It's like battered owner's syndrome.

#6 Stevie hates reading. He's anti-literacy in general. If you are reading something, he tries to lay right on it. Sometimes, if you leave a magazine or the LA Weekly on the floor, he shreds it. Angrily! If you have papers laid out on the floor for something important, like an exam, he's all about laying across them and pushing them wherever he wants. Because he hates that you are reading. It gets in the way of the worship of Stevie, which is what is most important, after all.

#5. His medical care is ridiculous. He has a heart murmur and constant dental problems. The cat has to have extractions every time he goes to the vet, and they want to do full heart and blood work-ups each time, which is expensive. And then he has this over the top after-care, that consists of liquid medicine. Have you had to give 4 droppers full of liquid medicine to a cat who has had multiple extractions on both sides of his mouth? How do you get them in there? You have to squeeze his mouth to get him to open it, which I imagine hurts like hell. This means you are now the proud owner of medicine stained clothing and lovely rips of flesh down your arms! Congrats! The F-you in this case is deserved, but it sucks to get such a cold shoulder after shelling out bunches of money on the guy.

#4 Cats with dental problems can't clean themselves very well sometimes. When it gets real bad or when an extraction has just happened, forget it. He's a mess. He's long haired, so he gets these dread locks and matted areas. Then he definitely needs a bath, but he hates baths. I have worn layers of clothing, including hoodies and still got drenched and cut up from giving this guy a bath. Afterwards he gives you a bitchy look like you just enjoy torturing him.

#3 If you leave something near the edge of a dresser or desk, well, I hope you like it on the floor. His favorite thing to do when he's up high is toss stuff off and watch it fall. When it's crumpled paper it's cute. "Oh, he's playing soccer!" But when it's a figurine or a pair of earrings, you get kind of pissed. This morning at 4 am when we tried to ignore him, he knocked over about 5 lipsticks that were on my dresser. One. By. One.

#2 The aforementioned late night demands for food, with repeated intervals of meowing and walking over you until you damn well get up and do what he asks. Tonight, the water gun comes out. I'm almost a little afraid of the aftermath.

#1 Once while I was reading a book, he just peed right on the carpet in front of me and walked away. That's a total F-You.

I still love ya Stevie. You're one of a kind. Please stop waking me up at 4 am.

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