Vampire Diaries - the Series

The CW series The Vampire Diaries is on my new list of must-watch, must-torture-self TV. I know it's based on a series of books, but for the first time in a long time, I haven't read the books. Can you believe it? I am not even really planning to read them. Isn't that odd?

Not so affectionately referred to as "Dawson's Teeth" by my favorite website, Television Without Pity, this is a vampire show aimed at teens, and so we have the typical teen drama with a paranormal twist. The actors are young and have that angsty acting style so typical of teen dramas. I mean, only in teen dramas do you find small towns full of gorgeous people, with access to a variety of weaves, hairdressers, and designer clothing pouting about how outcast they are. Even the working-class girl looks like a runway model.

Welcome to the story of Mystic Falls, a small town with secrets. Namely, that vampires live there. And have since at least the Civil War, since the main love interests are two brothers who were seemingly turned in the mid-19th century. Damon and Stefan Salvatore are both vampires. Stefan seems to be the nice guy, who forgoes snacks on humans even though it weakens him, and Damon, the bad boy, is a fully remorseless vampire who loves to snack and glamour. They have kept to themselves for some time, Stefan only recently coming out of their ivy covered mansion. Damon back in town after 15 years. What draws them out? A girl, of course.

In true romance novel fashion, the central female protagonist, Elena Gilbert, has her social identity destroyed at the beginning of the story. Her parents are recently dead, she's broken up with her football player boyfriend, and though her world is changing, she does have her friends Caroline, a weakling in the thrall of Damon, and Bonnie, a witch descended from the Salem witches.

In the books, she apparently was a white girl descended from druids, but hey, if you're trying to grab some of that True Blood love, you maybe go for an African American character, since it has a proven and thus lucrative track record. Regardless of the reason, witchy Bonnie can tell something's up with Stefan by touching him. She sees death. I already like her. She lights candles with her mind. That's handy.

Our girl Elena is so out of place she actually writes her sad journal entries in the local cemetary. Dude, I went goth in high school and pretended my name was Astrid and still never wrote journal entries in the local cemetery, so Elena is a bit much already. She happens to look exactly like the woman both Salvatore brothers were in love with during the Civil War, Catherine, who died at the hands of Confederate soldiers like a good Yankee.

Her Civil War era photograph is such a poor fakery, I almost feel sad about that alone. They could have at least added more natural eyebrows and done some blur. But no, they did not. It's pretty much just a photo of the actress who plays Elena with some very Knott's Berry Farm embellishments and a sepia tone. And then I reminded myself that maybe since Bush's No Child Left Behind policies, teens today have no sense of history, and thus believe that a 2-second Photoshop filter is a fairly believable representation of daguerreotype photography. I weep, yet again.

Tonight was the third episode, and though the town has been ravaged by a rash of "animal attacks" that leave the victim drained of blood, only one person, our weakling Caroline, knows that vampires exist. Or so it seems. Tonight's final scene included the town's sherrif, mayor, and other random authority figures, have realized that the beings that once plagued Mystic Falls years ago are back. For some reason the cadre of townsfolk are interested in Elena's family pocketwatch as a key element in stopping the killings. Hmm....

So what's the deal with the vampire mythos here:

They've got the glamour, so they can manipulate humans into thinking and doing things. They have super speed, fast healing, and excellent hearing. Stefan has a tattoo, and I haven't seen the first episode, so I don't know if they explain that, but as far as most vampire myths go, vamps can't get tattoos. They heal too fast, so their bodies reject the ink. I'm wondering if this will be explained, since I watched him heal from a stab wound in seconds. Anyway, when they get blood thirsty, their eyes go bloodshot and the blood vessels in their faces become visible underneath their skin. This makes being hungry a problem in public. Damon, the bad brother, keeps eating people, so he doesn't have the embarrassing moments that plague poor Stefan. Stefan is trying to be a good boy, so he keeps having to push away from Elena before she sees his cadaver face.

This show and the relationship between Elena and Stefan, in style, tone, and narrative, is honestly very much a rip off of Twilight. Gotta say, though Twilight is referenced in the series (so we know that they know, and that everyone knows about Twilight, wink wink), and is itself an inheritor of the traditional vampire narrative, the heroine's casting, the way in which the high school classroom scenes are filmed, and the hungry heart ache of the hero, all reminded me too much of those same scenes in the Twilight movie. So, it's almost like some gross guy in Hollywood pitched this series as "Twilight meets True Blood for the teen crowd." "It's a gold mine!" It doesn't mean this series can't do something interesting, but I'm finding it hard to like it, given its unwillingness to do anything new.

Oh wait, it does do something new. The Elena character, our heroine pursued by both Stefan and Damon, looks like a teenager. She looks 15-16 maybe, which is rare for teen drama actresses, most of whom are already 19 at the start. So, though she seems strong willed and somewhat independent minded, she has a heavy dose of the traditional romantic heroine's qualities of innocence and naivete. It is really and truly gross to me that someone in his 20s, much less his 160s would look at a teenager in high school with lustiness, no matter how much she looks like his old girlfriend. It was grody in Twilight, and it is much more freaky in Vampire Diaries for some reason. Can't you wait a year or two or five? I mean, it's not like you don't have the time, perv. Geez.

So I guess it comes down to this: should you watch it? Well, are you a fan of teen dramas? Did you like The O.C. or maybe the original 90210? If you said yes, you'd probably like the show. However, if you are hoping that the heroine is something along the lines of Veronica Mars or Buffy, well I just haven't seen it yet. If Elena doesn't figure out that Stefan is a vampire in the next episode, I may have to call it quits.

Wow, even I have some standards, apparently.