Constant Craving

Ok, so I owe you all an explanation. I've been blogging a lot less than I used to. And I don't post pictures of my meals with recipes anymore. And I don't do any baking to speak of. I haven't had the time or the energy. I've had bouts of really sad times balanced by good but busy and productive times. I'm working on posting more. I'm working on lots of things.

I am super proud of myself for my most recent accomplishment. My dissertation is in the hands of a good editor, and I'm turning it in in a couple of weeks for printing. But it's done. No extra work needed. That, in an of itself is a big effing deal. I get that. I do.

And I got to go home! I missed it much more than I realized. It was nice to see my family and friends, and even nicer to have something to celebrate while I was there. Seeing my friends and the old hood was pretty cool too.

While I don't want this blog to be a "pity me" blog, it bears mentioning that the day after I got back,  instead of ushering in a few weeks of rest and relaxation, my job situation really tanked.

Remember how I work at Wolfram & Hart, the evil law firm? And remember how they had me doing horrible foreclosure hotline stuff, where I'd have to talk to people who were losing their homes and tell them that they had to pay huge sums of money within a week or their house will be sold? Well that stuff sucked and was shitty. Also apparently a lot of it wasn't too legal. My firm is being sued in a class action lawsuit (along with our clients, big giant banks). This has resulted in a massive amount of layoffs.

My friends at work started to disappear. The week I got back, they started laying off people in batches of 15. Then they slowed down. Then I got transferred again. This time, to a department that handles out-of-state cases. Then they started laying off people again. Important people. People needed to get things done. People who have worked there for 15 years. People who were in the middle of celebrating their birthday. Yeah, that's right, one guy got fired ON his birthday. It hasn't been a month since I went out to LA for my defense and yet a huge amount of people at my firm are gone and each day has been incredibly stressful. Every time the phone rings, we jump because it might be HR asking for a private meeting. Even some of the demon lawyers are gone! Demon on demon crime, you guys! It's a crap shoot each day that I'll have a job. Which means an apartment and medical insurance and CABLE TV.

Anyway, I have been a stress ball each day all day! If I don't have a job, we're screwed. M. hasn't found decent employment, we've got a dwindling savings, and none of my teaching applications have yielded much in the way of even one adjunct class. I can't even get any kind of academic adjacent job.


I've tried to love Philly. I love parts of it a lot. But a year should be enough time to get a spot teaching one class as an adjunct with a PhD. And if M. can't get a decent job after applying for over 300 positions (ranging from full time benefited to hourly retail), then I think we have to reassess our long term plans. The major reason we came was to have a better financial future.

We're thinking of moving back to Long Beach. We've done some soul searching about it. M wanted to move back 6 months ago, but I thought we owed it to ourselves to give it one year. Now that the dissertation is done, I feel like I can finally think clearly about what I need and what I love to do.

Until I finished, I felt like it would take forever. I felt like I'd never be done. I was running in place for a long time. Doing whatever I could to avoid the work that needed to get done.  And now that the work is done and I'm actually proud of it, I feel like a million bucks. And Wolfram & Hart is destroying this million bucks feeling. They are tearing into tiny tiny pieces and crushing each piece.

I've got a very possible job situation happening in January 2012. A good one. One with possibilities for the future. One that would make it very easy to move back to Long Beach. I think it's happening. And I think I'm happy at the prospect. Some people would look at this Philly thing as a failed experiment. But I look at it as my last chance to do a big crazy move, to experience totally new things, to understand myself better.

I want to not be stressed out all the time. It's really messing with my mind and my body. And I want my husband to be happy. And this war of ovarian aggression will one day end. I want to be on the winning side of that one. Sigh. I've given up on the need to be a homeowner. I've looked at enough awful mortgages and ruined lives at Wolfram & Hart to never ever sign a mortgage. Not until I've got real stability and a hefty savings. And I've started to be OK with that. I can have a rental house someday. And I can take good care of it like it was my own until things get better.

So this was an apology (for being gone), an explanation (for why I've been gone), and an indication of what's coming.

Wish me some luck already, damn!

Home

They say you can’t go home again. They’re wrong! As soon as I set foot on California soil, I started taking in the smells, sights and sounds of home. I was only there for four days, but I managed to get in some pretty nostalgic stuff:

1. Eating a Cuban meal with my mom and brother. 
2. Driving through Inglewood and Manhattan Beach to visit the house my parents rented when I was born. It’s been a few years since I’d gone to that part of town.
3. Smelling the one-of-a-kind smell of the jacaranda trees. They spill lavender flowers all over Los Angeles. I miss them terribly.
4. Helping mom clear the table. It’s funny how the little things catch you by surprise.
5. Joking with my brothers and cousins. We talk on Facebook and via Skype, but nothing’s like the lazy conversations that happen when you’re face to face.
6. Going back to my grad school campus, eating at the little lunch counter where I grabbed food between classes. I’d had such a hard time dealing with my writer’s block that I never liked going to campus after I’d finished my coursework.
7. Returning books to the library, which now (unexpectedly) no longer requires a student ID card to access. I hate that universities lock up their libraries. Nice to know this one changed its tune.
8. In my old Claremont stomping grounds, I made my way (in a daze, just after the defense) to Rhino Records, the big indie record store. Happy to see it’s still there. It still smells just the same inside. And little hand made zines and band flyers are just where they were. I don’t think I’ve been there in 10 years.
9. Driving my old car, Sheila! I sold it to my aunt, who had planned on giving it to her son to drive. He hasn’t gotten his license yet, so it was available to use. Driving Sheila around felt natural. I knew all her quirks. She got me everywhere on time.
10. Going out to Long Beach to visit friends at my old bar. Reminding myself that it is so good to become a regular someplace, to be able to go in by yourself and see familiar faces. That Cheers kind of thing. Only a little on the divey side. But that’s how I always liked it. Cheap drinks and friendly faces. I even managed to play matchmaker at some point in the evening. I’m a woman of many skills.
11. My friends recently had a baby so I went shopping at Lil Devil’s boutique on 4th Street in Long Beach. Still a great store! I bought little Addison a pair of pink and white striped tights and a t-shirt. I wanted to buy the little plastic plate/cup/fork set with a Dia de los Muertos theme, but she’s only a few months old. Dia de los Muertos for babies!? These, dear readers, are my people. The baby liked being held by me and even smiled and laughed when I shook her little hands. Being a baby comedian is, I have always said, the most fulfilling of jobs.
12. These same friends also have a dog we used to dogsit all the time. I was looking so forward to seeing that dog! And I was rewarded. She jumped circles around me, licked my hand constantly, and made that chuffling sound that big dogs make when they know they shouldn’t bark but they want to celebrate. Her celebration upon seeing me was something I will never forget. Watching a big boxer do big happy twirly jumps is pretty amazing for any reason!
13. The radio stations played good songs. I hadn’t heard Snoop, Dre, or even Tupac on the radio in a year! I can’t seem to find a good station in Philly. But I never drive anywhere, so experimenting with new stations isn’t part of my regular routine. I should work on that.
14. I stayed at a friend’s apartment in Seal Beach one night. Two seconds after I put down my stuff, I walked the two blocks to the beach, stuck my toes in the sand and stared at the ocean for a good while. Happy sunshine on my face. I bought a coconut paleta (ice cream bar) and ate it on the sand. Literally and figuratively a happy, Sandy moment.
15. There was a bit of June gloom, but it wore off by late afternoons. Perfect weather the entire time. I even got to spend time with mom and the family in the backyard, soaking up sun with margaritas in hand.

It’s only been a year, but I feel like I’ve been gone longer! I’ve never moved out of California, so it’s been a hell of a year for me. I missed my mom most of all, so I’m glad we got in a lot of girl time. Mani-pedis, shopping, and gossiping late into the night. You know, I hate when people shorten words like “mani-pedis” but the alternative is “manicures and pedicures,” which just sounds clumsy.

Anyway, my trip home was a success. The dissertation is done. No big changes needed, so it will get turned in very soon. And I get to go by “Dr” now, but I think I’m only going to allow students to use it. Seems kinda pretentious to expect it from anyone else, don’t you think? I mean, do people still put it on their checks and use it to make restaurant reservations? Maybe I’ll use it with snooty people who cast dark glances at my tattooed arms. “Hi, I’m Dr. F, nice ta meetcha!”

Apocalist

Because my brain is currently overworked due to the coming dissertation defense (Friday!), I have been less...writey. Do you see what happened there? I invented a word. It's a word that doesn't need to exist, but my vocabulary is leaving me, so instead of whatever the word or words are that would convey being "writey" I just used "writey."

Aaaanywayz...I made this list in my head and thought it was enough for a post.  It's influenced by my recent read of the Hunger Games trilogy, as well as screenings of COINTELPRO and Weather Underground documentaries. Oh, and then I watched Man vs. Food.

Things I need to get done before the apocalypse:

1. Lasik, so I'm not sightless once my glasses break.

2. Learn how to box, fight, defend myself.

3. Learn survival skills. Like how to shave your legs using implements found in nature.

4. Learn how to pick locks.

5. Stockpile water purification tablets.

6. Also stockpile duct tape.

7. I should probably get a second battery for my laptop.

8. Relearn how to shoot a gun (I think I left that hobby behind at around 11)

9. Come up with a really cool apocalypse nickname. Something sweet, but could also be ferocious.

10. View some Youtube videos about how to start a fire, hide food from bears, and what to use as toilet paper.

11. Stockpile tampons and pads. And toilet paper.

12. Get some books on telling the difference between poisonous food and not poisonous food.

13. Learn gardening.

14. Learn how to make vodka from potatoes.

15. Work on my horrible aim.

16. Buy a megaphone. People with megaphones are totally the key people in a group. Megaphone=power.

17. Figure out what part of the country would be the least desperate and cutthroat in the event of an apocalypse.

18. Start acquiring apocalypse-friendly wardrobe items. This includes cargo pants that don't make me look fat, and hats that don't squeeze my ears or itch my forehead.

19. Learn morse code.

20. Stop saying "sorry" so much.

Anything I should add?

Mi Vida Loca

Don't get me wrong, I love my life, but it's super crazy right now!

This picture encapsulates the schizophrenic nature of my existence. Who reads all of these things at once?

Of course I'm working on the dissertation like a madwoman. Writing always takes longer than I think it will, and bibliographic referencing is the devil's work, so when I take a break from it, I try to do things that sooth me. Thinking about the Sweet Lady Shop is doing that for me.

I'm trying not to work on the shop too much, since, um, I have like a thousand things to do, but it's such an awesome plan that I have a hard time leaving it be. Especially since it depends on my having creative products, so when creativity strikes, I try not to push it away every time. Check out my latest entry, where I break two of my pre-moving rules: buying books and accumulating art supplies. Sorry!

Did I mention that it's almost finals time and I've got Mother's Day this weekend? Jeepers.


Oh, and I got another tattoo....can't stop...

Lately

What am I only posting once a week now? Sorry for the lag in consistent posts, but the dissertation is getting written people! For REALS. I'm like a machine, getting stuff done on full blast. I have submitted two more chapters, filled out paperwork for graduation in summer, and talked with my committee chair about the defense. I'm hoping it happens in June, when jerkoffs are not around to be ornery at my defense, which will be the scariest day of my life. Even scarier than the night I came home from Paranormal Activity. Or the time someone called my name in my empty house when I was 12. Or the time I was dragged to a Christian youth music festival. Well, let's be realistic, it probably won't top the music festival.

I am doing great with the "get healthy" plan. Going to the gym every other da, eating sensibly, no Coke. I think this is the longest I've ever gone without a Coke. When I did Nutrisystem I made a big stink about having to drink Diet Cokes. It was like I had to go from Marlboro reds to light menthols or something. And here I am, gone cold turkey without a problem. The doctor thing threw me for a loop, and I'm still on the fence about her, but I do have an appointment in 3 weeks, and if she still makes me feel uncomfortable, I'll switch. If she was just trying to impress upon me the consequences of my actions, I'll stay.

Funny thing about exercising, you feel more energized in general. I have been in a better mood the past two weeks, I've gotten better writing done, I've boxed up all my books and (with the help of M. of course) moved those heavy boxes down to the garage. I spent today cleaning out my office at home and getting things ready for our eventual garage sale.

It's sad to see my empty bookshelves, and even sadder to know all my books are downstairs in boxes. I feel comforted when I'm surrounded by my books. I don't think I'd enjoy an all-digital world. I like books. I like to see the covers, to feel the binding, to hold it in my hand and write all over it if I want to. I like seeing all my different weird interests on the shelf, hanging out together. I have a copy of A People's History of the United States that was purchased for an AP History class in high school. It has all of my highlighter marks, notes, and dog eared pages. Even though I bought the updates to it, and even a special hardcover edition, when I went to see Howard Zinn speak in the late 90s, I brought my battered copy for him to sign. I have a fantasy of one day having a library in my house. A room or part of my office that has floor to ceiling shelves and a rolling ladder. I really want the rolling ladder. If we have kids, I think it would be neat for them to grow up with a bunch of interesting books around. I mean, they're going to be little weirdos anyway, they might as well be well informed.

As more of our stuff gets put into boxes and moved downstairs, we seem to be having a variety of reactions about it. I like being surrounded by the little ephemera from throughout my life. M. is more into the streamlined, clutterlessness of our temporary arrangement. Once we saw an episode of MTV Cribs, the one with Moby and his minimalist loft. He also had some kind of house in the woods that was all wood and no furniture. I found it desolate and unlivable, and M. was like, in awe. So he's feeling like there's a lot more room in the house, and I'm feeling like the house is getting emptier. But soon, I'll have my stuff back, and I've got no time to mope.

Conference

Remember how I'm a professor? I'm supposed to go to conferences to keep up with the field (and also to present my work in the field, but that's another story). Conferences can cost a lot of money if they are not in your area. Actually, just the registration fee can be up to $100, so it can be a pretty penny even if you live down the street. I have therefore avoided some of the cooler, more interesting conferences. I just couldn't rationalize the travel, hotel, and food costs. But every year, the American Studies Association has its annual conference. That one I try to go to when I can. Last time I attended was in 2007 for the Philadelphia conference. It made sense because it coincided with a trip to visit M's family and a chance to have an East coast celebration of our engagement. I didn't make it last year, but this year, I'm going. Oh, I'm still broke. In fact, I listed myself as "student" and "ASA member" so I could get the cheapie $25 registration fee. But I'm not staying in a dump, and I'm taking Jetblue right out of Long Beach, which is very convenient. One day, I'll look back on it and wonder if it was worth it. That day will probably be the day I get my credit card bill. But dammit, I feel isolated in my work and my vocabulary is going to shit (obvs.). I need a conference to jump start me again.

The theme this year is "Practices of Citizenship, Sustainability, and Belonging." There aren't a lot of sessions on digital culture, which is my bread and butter. In fact, I believe there are only two and one of them includes two faculty from my graduate institution (one of whom is on my dissertation committee). This, of course, doesn't mean I'm not excited about a variety of sessions and panels. Here's just a few that I'm really looking forward to:

• Death, Destruction, and Ruin in Nineteenth-Century America
• Old/New Technologies of Belonging: Books, YouTube, Mobile Devices, and the Sensuousness of Sustainable Futures
• Race and the Beauty Industry
• Bad Citizenship and Good Games: Video Gaming, Criminality and Citizenship
• Zombies and Vampires: Identifying American Anxieties over Alterity and Belonging

Yes, that's right, a session on vampires. I randomly chose to leave late on Sunday (an unbelievable 5:45 pm-totally uncharacteristic for me) and what was waiting for me? A Sunday morning panel on vampires. Ironically, it's at 8am, which is just downright insulting to the vampires who probably wanted to attend. Mad props to the ASA for examining the trend before it passes. That's a rarity for academic conferences.

Conferences can be weird, fun, intellectually stimulating, and sometimes intensely boring. You can find out something that changes your whole perspective on what you do, meet someone that understands your obsession with whatever it is that you call your "research interest." You may also realize that there are people who ask questions that intend to insult and injure--and they love going to conferences too. It makes presenters nervous as hell, it makes the other audience members kind of roll their eyes or be uncomfortable (and it just makes me angry--see pic above). When people talk about how online communities are so different from "real" communities because people can feel more comfortable insulting you in a virtual environment, I often think, "Have you ever been to a conference?"

The best thing about conferences is the camaraderie and the connections you make. This can be taken all sorts of places. Places I've never gone, if you're wondering. Mostly I love meeting up with my friends and talking with them about the good, the bad, and the ugly of the various sessions we attend. My friends are all over the country now, so it's extra nice to have a good excuse for getting together. We can even write it off on our taxes at the end of the year!

I'm also looking forward to real fall weather! Please don't be too scary, DC weather. I'm fragile.

Adjunct Life

Doing all this writing has got me thinking. What if I get the degree and am still an adjunct for a long time? What If I'm stuck here forever, waiting every semester to find out if I have a job in three months? To find out if I have health care in three months? Making my salary now at 35 or 40. I don't know if I can handle that.

Some quotes from Burt-Out Adjunct, fellow blogger and adjunct faculty that sum up the experience and what to do about it:

"If you are an adjunct, you need to treat it like playing in a garage band: you need a well-paying day job in order to indulge your passion."

"Institutions have melted (I hate to say evolve here) into the current position because it pays the best for them. Farm out the overflow or the inconsistently enrolled to contingent [aka adjunct] faculty, freeing up the tenured to pursue their passions. If you are one of the few Chosen Ones, then feel complacent and safe–which I know you do–knowing that you need not worry too much except for a system-wide implosion (see California right now)."

Great, btw, I am in California.

"You are the expendable, the booty-call of the University hook-up system. You are the lover on the side, and when stresses arise, people will adhere to the family structure.

So, play to your passion, but ensure a more secure revenue stream–your family will appreciate it."

I was just talking about this last night, though the "booty call" metaphor is so ridiculously perfect and much better than how I phrased it. Sigh....

I'm doing good work here folks, I just hope it's put to good use someday.

Can I move here?

I got a bunch done yesterday, but it was such a hard day for writing. I don't know why, but I would start these long sections and then get to the end and not have a way to connect them to the thesis. I couldn't remember why I went down the road in the first place. And I hate not having transitions in place as I'm writing, so I just got very frustrated and had to take a couple breaks. I made some headway on another chapter though, so that's good. This one was a "from scratch" chapter too. But I feel behind. Mostly because I set these unreasonable goals for myself. But still. I want at least two chapters that I can hand in to my committee next week. I hope I can make it happen. Today is the day, so keep your fingers crossed for me.

I took a walk around 3pm to get coffee and clear my head. It was worth it, but I still didn't figure a way to link that section I worked so hard on. Maybe today. I did notice on my walk that rent in this city is out of control. Here is one for rent sign that actually seemed reasonable:

"Beautiful 3 bedroom, 1 1/2 bath, March 1st, $2975."

Every time I come here, I want to move here.

In the evening, I met up with CW & Tiny Heat. CW is a friend of M's from college, so that's how I found Tiny Heat's blog. Her blog was/is so funny that it inspired me to start doing this one, and you all are paying the price! Seriously though, we developed an online friendship so it was nice to finally meet in person. She's awesome, as expected. Any friend of CW's is a friend of mine.

We went to a great pasta place where I had eggplant lasagne. And I stuck to my diet pretty good. I ate all the vegetables, I didn't eat the whole thing (so unlike me), and I didn't have dessert. So afterward we went out for cocktails. So what? Tiny Heat's friend met up with us at dinner and joined me in a cocktail after. Even her friends are nice.


So now it's back to the grindstone. Sometimes I don't know if I'm going up, or coming down.


But I do know this: If I don't finish this thing, I will hate myself. Unless someone wants to offer me a job that will make all those feelings (and loans) go away? Anyone? No? Ok, then. I will get back to work.

Day 1

Dissertation Writing Trip Day 1

9am
The plane ride to San Francisco was short and sweet. Thankfully. I turned on my iPod and listened to an interview with Alan Ball about next season’s True Blood. FYI, if you are into spoilers and have been checking out the casting sheets for next season that are going around the web, they’ve been throwing in fakes to mess with fans. I totally love that. The interview lasted the whole trip and I didn’t have to be annoyed at the chatty young ladies next to me at all.

11:30 am
Since my flight arrived earlier than expected and the whole ride from SFO to the Powell Station took like 10-15 minutes, I was at my hotel at 11am, way early. I checked into my room, which was super tiny, had no desk, and a view of the exterior wall of the next building. So I lugged my bags downstairs (I carried 13 books in addition to my laptop, clothes and other junk) and asked for a room with a desk, which meant I had to wait a while. I went to Bristol Farms and had a nice sushi roll and a diet Pepsi. I asked where the spicy tuna rolls were and the lady at the counter said "Don't worry, I make roll for you fresh," which makes this the best Bristol Farms ever. When I got back they gave me an upgrade (which I cannot even think about now without hearing Beyonce’s “Upgrade” song that is used in that Direct TV commercial –ugh) to a king sized bed. My new room looks out onto Ellis, has a colossal TV, and a nice desk with a li’l fridge in it!

I promptly went out and filled the fridge with 7-ups and a small bottle of vodka. Because writers write, but they also drink. And I had to buy a razor and shaving cream because I forgot, and I’d already let it go a few days. I only brought jeans, but still, I have my standards. And I bought some teriyaki rice crackers. It was a Walgreens. You get shoppy at a Walgreens, ok?


12:36 pm
Sat down to write. Got all my notes and books out and wrote for four hours straight. Did good work too. I may have a chapter done before the night is out. I can hear the cable car’s bell every now and then. It’s very charming. Not as charming however, as the lady singing “How Will I Know?” by Whitney Houston on the street below. Or the booming system that is playing some sort of robot rap song. But it feels good to be in a city. The City. I love it here.

4:45
I got stuck on a section that I kept revising and turning it into mush. Thought it would be a good time for a break. I went around taking photos of various street things, stopped into an H&M and bought nothing.

After walking for a bit, I decided to try King of Thai Noodle House for dinner, which was very tasty (thanks to Tiny Heat for the reference).

I took my noodles back to my room, watched Giada stir some soup on the Food Network and then took a long hot shower. Called M. on Skype and finally figured out how to talk using video phone for free. It was really cool. Everyone who reads this should download Skype and use it. Everything is totally free, and you don’t even have to use the video thing. You can just chat. No money required! I thought my dog, Radley, would be really into hearing my voice and seeing my face, but he didn’t get it at all, and was kind of annoyed that we interrupted his sleep to push a laptop screen into his face. After we hung up, I uploaded some pics on Flickr and wrote the bulk of this stuff. I feel like I have to do some of this kind of writing everyday or I will fry my brain. Dissertation writing is like writing in a different language, full of constraints and hesitations. I enjoy my work a lot, but the writing isn’t as fun as the teaching. Especially when you are wading through reviewer comments. Sigh...

6pm
Sat back down to work in my jammies, wearing a bandana. M. hates when I wear a bandana. Don’t know why, but his mouth becomes a straight line when he sees me in a bandana. I love that my wavy floppy hair is out of the way.

8:30pm
Went around my whole floor looking for the ice machine. There wasn’t one. That’s strange. I poured a drink anyway. It was chilly, but I pretty much just sipped it forever because without ice, it’s not that great.

9:20pm
Ok, seriously, what’s up with no ice machines? I left my soda can out and it’s warm now, so I called the front desk. They don’t have ice machines here at Hotel Abri, but they will send a bucket right up for me. Awesome!

12 am
Whoa. I worked a bunch. Did you know Thursday is the new Friday? It is at the bar downstairs. Woo girls are everywhere. There are even some Woo Guys. I am too enamoured with the idea of progress to be distracted. I'm doing good folks. Just a couple more revisions before lights out, I think.

1:15 am
I am finally about to sleep because I made some great progress today. Tomorrow I will be moving on to more interesting material to write about, so maybe it will be easier. Plus CW and Tiny Heat are meeting me for dinner. Wish me luck!

Writers Write

Sorry for not posting yesterday. I was under the weather, with a sore throat and achy muscles. I'm on the mend today, but I had to cancel classes yesterday, which always makes me unhappy. It just means more work. Reorganizing lectures and syllabi schedules. Blah. I got a chance to do some at-home work like reading.

I have been trying to post each day, and if I can't I attempt to post twice. It's part of my new mantra that will help get the dissertation done: "writers write." I made an agreement with myself to write each day and to really think about writing. I had hoped it would make me more articulate and communicative as a writer. So my intention was to strengthen the practical aspect of my work, and I've come to realize it has also strengthened the theoretical aspect as well. You see, much of the academic work I read is boring as hell. Now, that doesn't mean that the ideas in the work are boring or that the topic is boring, just that the writing is so unnecessarily difficult. Many of my students get disengaged from the academic articles I assign because the first paragraph is so wordy it's like the author wants to prove he or she passed the GRE. I want my writing to be accessible and still be able to discuss complicated topics. I think it would make academic work much more useful in the real world. It might also make it more difficult for readers to misinterpret your work, which is always a bonus when the media gets a hold of something academic and decides to "report." So writing in an interesting and engaging way is, for me, both a theory and a practice. I hope I'm getting better. A fellow blogger recommended this book on writing, and I ordered it from Amazon. It should be here by Friday. Anybody ever heard of it/read it? I'd love to hear reviews.

Now, on to more pressing business, True Blood gets better every week. I heart this show. Each week the characters grow more complicated and interesting. This Sunday was the best episode yet, in my opinion. If for nothing else than the scene where Lafayette verbally and physically puts three homophobes/vampirephobes in their place when they send back food because it "has AIDS on it." That scene will be my strength this election season, when commercials about "protecting the family" from homosexuality are running rampant.

You know what show has gotten better? The Big Bang Theory. I used to watch it because it was on before How I Met Your Mother and because it had David from Roseanne (who BTW is in an on-again-off-again relationship on the show with the gal who played Darlene!). I love nerds and nerd humor, so I thought I'd tune in. It was OK. I was annoyed by the Sheldon character right off the bat. And Leonard was super whiny. Like, way more whiny than David, which is saying something. But something happened. I grew to love the characters after they fleshed them out a bit. Sheldon is a crack up! I love his interactions with Penny. Last night's episode with the World of Warcraft storyline was comedy gold.

If you want to find Sheldon's T-shirts, Howard's belt buckles, or Leonard's hoodies, click here.

earthquake weather

I got my dissertation chapter draft back with comments in the mail. The envelope came on Friday, and I took my time getting the mail. I knew it had come in the late morning, but I didn't bring it up until late evening. Right when I opened the mail box I could see the big envelope. No escaping now, it is here. But wait, just because it is here doesn't mean I have to open the envelope....

I put it at the bottom of my pile of mail and didn't open it until today. I was afraid to open it. Even though my committee chair sent me a very nice e-mail telling me it was an excellent start. She also mentioned that she was quite hard on it, so there are quite a few comments. I got scared when it actually came. I got anxious. What if it says "this entire argument is based on flawed logic?"

And you know what? I opened it. I survived. The comments were great, exactly what I needed in order to move forward. I used to wish for responses like "this is perfect, no need to change a thing." but those comments aren't really helpful if you ever plan to present or publish your work. Someone is going to pose hard questions and I'd much rather it be someone editing my draft than a trustafarian asshole in mandals and a scarf at a conference.

So now I gotta move forward. I think I'm off to a great start. I'm feeling so well-adjusted today, which is odd. I hope I don't have a nervous breakdown or something. Maybe it's like "earthquake weather." There's no way to tell an earthquake is coming, but people like to believe that a weird weather shift (like dry heat after a cool, windy week) is an indicator that an earthquake is on the horizon. It's kind of paranoid, really. Like believing that things are going well, so some kind of horrible thing is bound to happen any minute now. Well, that's how well I received the comments. I was like, "oh good, I was wondering if I was making sense. I should totally revise that paragraph." I hope I can ride this wave. Or if I can't, I hope I take it out on slacker students and not my family.

Slacker students beware!

thankful, belly full

Had a lovely dinner last night with my friend Leanne at the Great Wall Mongolian BBQ in La Habra, a favorite of mine.

You'll notice that my bowl has the chopsticks and Leanne's bowl has the fork. She's so over chopsticks. And I'm such a tourist.

It's got a big selection of veggies and meats, great sauce combos, you get soup, rice, an appetizer plus a bowl to fill with whatever you like. Oh, and it's very cheap. I think our dinners combined were about $15. Highly recommended if you are in the area!




I like that I caught the reflection of the palm tree in this picture (on the plate). I took it at Portfolio Coffee House in Long Beach. The barista gave me a pretty design in the steamed milk on top of the mocha! So nice.

The new Heroes installment is fascinating. I like the dark vibe this season. And that Veronica Mars and Weevil got some screentime together!

Yesterday as I was driving home, the sun was setting. It had been a very long day, but a good one. The sun was large, low, and in that pinky-purpley haze of smog above the LA horizon that is so beautiful and yet so completely wrong. A great song came on the radio just at the moment when I reached the high point on the transition from the 91 to the 605 (Rod Stewart- Stay With Me, a song I often play on the jukebox at my local bar), and I realized how lucky I am. I have a great life, really. I love where I live, I enjoy my job, my partner is truly amazing. I even have good pets. Sometimes I wonder if I deserve it all, but I think I'm going to try to enjoy it more. And I need to try to put the challenges in a better perspective. It's something I've got to keep in mind in the next few days when my dissertation chapter arrives with comments. The fear is almost paralyzing. I didn't use to be this way. I think I've gone soft.

true.

I don't know why it won't show all of it, but you can click on the comic for the full size.

Milestones

I turned in a chapter of my dissertation today. A draft, at least. Which is something. I've been blocked on turning something in for over a year, and I just decided to light a fire under my own ass and I guess that's what it took. Here's hoping it isn't totally shredded by my committee.

I have been writing and re-writing for a while, and I finally decided upon a strategy that works for me. Instead of thinking I had to write an amazing chapter, I decided to really write a draft, something not completely OK, something that needed work, something that wasn't "good" according to my standards. I gave myself permission to turn in crap. It turned out to be really liberating. Now if they cover it in notes and questions, I will at least be expecting it and can actually use it to write the final draft much more effectively.

Anyhoo- my new favorite thing is Chad Johnson, the wide receiver for the Cincinnati Bengals. He recently changed his last name to Ocho Cinco. Here's the story from his recently updated Wikipedia entry, which summarizes it quite nicely:

"On October 25, 2006, in honor of Hispanic Heritage Month, when his last name was still Johnson, he announced that he would prefer to be called "Ocho Cinco" ("8-5" in Spanish). During warm-ups for the October 29, 2006 game against the Atlanta Falcons, the back of his jersey read "Ocho Cinco" instead of "C. Johnson". Quarterback Carson Palmer ripped the label off the jersey to reveal the usual "C. Johnson". According to ESPN, Ocho Cinco was fined US$ 5,000 for the stunt (pending appeal) despite the fact that Ocho Cinco did not wear the "Ocho Cinco" name tag during the game.

He legally changed his name to Chad Javon Ocho Cinco on August 29, 2008.The NFL and the Cincinnati Bengals decided to allow him to have it on the back of his jersey."

I salute you Chad Ocho Cinco, for taking a joke further than anyone thought you could. But I am also pretty sure you are crazy.

Debbie Downer

One of the best things about "summers off" is that I start to lose track of the days of the week. I always know when it's Friday or Monday, but those days in between-not so much. It's nice, and I'm sure several of you would like it if I shut up right now, but today it reminds me that I haven't done as much as I would have liked to by this point in the summer.

I'm spending most of the early morning writing and/or analyzing for the dissertation, but I'm forcing it and I am growing to resent it more every day. I used to be able to put my head down and write out a 20 page paper from start to finish in a relatively short time. Not so much anymore. I wonder what changed? It's like I can't stand my own voice. I wish there were personal trainers for this, who tell me when I can get up and get lunch and not to surf the web or check e-mail. I would hate that guy, but I'd have the damn thing done! I'm way more interested in my dog, who begs me to play with him all day. Maybe there's some form of hypnotherapy for this. "I am good enough, smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!"

I also haven't been to the gym in forever.

Wish I could get out of this summer funk.

Is it wrong to giggle when you notice that Seasonal Affective Disorder's acronym is SAD?